Right to Protect exists to provide supportive services and resources to victims and survivors of domestic violence, sexual violence, human trafficking, and stalking regardless of gender. The information contained herein is written as it pertains to male victims being victimized by female perpetrators of abuse; though much of it is true of of the respective individual, regardless of gender. Understanding the domestic violence community's instinctive reaction to oppose the idea that males can be victims and females can be perpetrators, we want to point out that by acknowledging and validating the experiences of male victims of domestic violence by female perpetrators of abuse we in no way invalidates the experience of female victims of domestic violence by male perpetrators of abuse. All victims are entitled to their voice, regardless of gender.
Domestic Violence is defined as “a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive [controlling] behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.” [1]
While domestic violence is largely believed to be a gendered issue, there are over 280 epidemiological studies on the prevalence of domestic violence that have found that more than 1 in 3 men will be victims of domestic violence in their lifetime; revealing that “men are just as likely to be victims of domestic violence at the hands of women, who often strike the first blow;” [2] and the likelihood of severe violence, resulting in severe physical harm being done, is higher in male victims than female victims due to the use of weapons. Numbers that are believed to be grossly inadequate due to the phenomenon of under-reporting.
Male victims of domestic violence struggle with shame and stigma of being a victim that is unique to them, rooted in the widely held belief that men simply cannot be victims of domestic violence. In fact, the belief is so prevalent in our society that the rate of male domestic violence shelters is so low, compared to female domestic violence shelters, that more animals occupy domestic violence shelters than men, and it is estimated that 6,155 males commit suicide every year in the United States as a result of domestic violence victimization, as compared to the estimated 1,683 females.
Although society does not perceive domestic violence victimization of men to be as severe and as harmful as domestic violence victimization of women, research shows that domestic violence perpetrated against men is associated with a wide range of negative physical and mental health outcomes including “higher rates of post-traumatic stress symptoms, depression, suicidal ideation, psychosomatic symptoms, isolation and loneliness, and job loss.” [3] In addition to the negative consequences listed, experiences of domestic violence have a significant negative impact on future relationships with intimate partners, family, and friends, making domestic violence victimization of men just as significant and damaging as that of women.
Because research has shown that an abuser manipulates the courts, therapists, psychologists, doctors, attorneys, men, women, children, teachers, clergy, and anyone who has not had special and specific training regarding domestic violence and batterers, it is imperative to the safety and wellbeing of all victims and survivors that the court seek out experts on the topic and take under serious consideration the information contained in the expert reports and testimony to avoid finding itself being used as a tool by which abusers are able to further abuse their victims (abuse by-proxy).
Female perpetrators of abuse will, almost always, feign being victims of domestic violence at the hands of their male victims yet their behavior will not only be grossly inconsistent with that of an actual victim, but also blatantly contradictory to their claims. Victims of domestic violence struggle with burdens of guilt and shame, self-blame, and the conditioned belief that nobody will believe that they are a victim which is clearly reflected in their victimology (specifically how their trauma manifests in their behavior and the way that they relate to the world around them). Perpetrators of abuse that feign being a victim display a confidence in their expectation of being believed as a victim while engaging in consistent and aggressive attempts to gaslight and manipulate their victim.
The attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors that are consistent with what experts’ reveal are the characteristics of an abuser are lying, entitlement, selfish/self-centeredness, superiority, possessiveness, threatening behaviors, manipulativeness, use of contradictory statements and behaviors, entitlements, triangulation, justifications for her abuse of family, externalization of responsibility, denial, minimization, blaming, authoritarian threats, irresponsibility, a lack or complete absence of empathy, and undermining the victim's authority as the child(ren)’s parent.
Victims of domestic violence are conditioned into a state of “learned helplessness” as a result of the abuse and cycle of violence. The psychological phenomenon, within the context of abusive relationships, causes passive resignation by the victim to the power and control of their abuser over every aspect of their life and themselves. The victim, unable to please or appease their abuser and prevent abuse from being inflicted on them, is conditioned to a perpetually passive state of being known as learned helplessness. Female perpetrators of abuse will, instead, will exhibit attitudes of superiority and entitlements and will be prevalent as shown through their actions, words, and attitudes.
Abuse isn’t a situation that a victim walks into with knowledge and expectation of, it’s a dynamic that is gradually introduced into the relationship by subtly eroding boundaries and perverting expectations; something that the victim cannot possibly prepare themselves for. It is typical of these relationships to start out as a loving relationship, sprinkled with seemingly benign conflict, gradually escalates into something toxic; followed by apologies, professions of love and remorse, and excuses cleverly dressed as reasonable explanations for the batterer’s behavior. In order to successfully sell the victim on a dream and all of the abuser’s empty promises, the abuser grooms their victim and presents themselves as seemingly amazing; the best thing to ever happen to the victim, everything that they could ever want or hope for. The escalating pattern of abuse exhibited by Ms. Andersson towards Mr. Fishman over the course of their relationship establishes a pattern of power and control that meets the definition of domestic abuse.
Definitions
Abuse By-Proxy is defined as abuse inflicted on a victim, by their abuser, through indirect means such as third parties, often turning the victims friends, family (especially children), neighbors, and colleagues against them causing the victim to become isolated and increasingly dependent on their abuser; systems and institutions such as the police or other law enforcement agencies, child protective services, the court and attorneys, therapists and doctors; child abuse is a form of abuse by-proxy because the inflicting of physical, emotional, sexual, psychological harm on the child(ren) the abuser can inflict harm and cause distress to the victim; and interference with the parent child relationship where the abuser will poison the child(ren) against the victim parent, emotionally manipulate the child(ren) into believing that they have to commit most or all of their time and attention to supporting and caring for the abusive parent, causing them to sacrifice the time and relationship that they desire with the victim parent commonly referred to as the attachment parent or protective parent in abusive relationships. Abuse by-proxy, given its indirect methods, is a more subtle tactic of abuse and can be especially distressing and disorienting for the victim; allowing the abuser to maintain a position of power and control, while inflicting maximum damage onto their victim, and avoiding detection and accountability.
Coercive Control is power and control and the very foundation of every abusive relationship, whether physical and sexual abuse are present or not. Under Family Code Section 6320(c), Coercive Control is defined as “disturbing the peace of the other party” [referring] to conduct that, based on the totality of the circumstances, destroys the mental or emotional calm of the other party. This conduct may be committed directly or indirectly, including through the use of a third party, and by any method or through any means including, but not limited to, telephone, online accounts, text messages, internet-connected devices, or other electronic technologies. This conduct includes, but is not limited to, coercive control, which is a pattern of behavior that in purpose or effect unreasonably interferes with a person's free will and personal liberty. Examples of coercive control include, but are not limited to, unreasonably engaging in any of the following:
(1) Isolating the other party from friends, relatives, or other sources of support.
(2) Depriving the other party of basic necessities.
(3) Controlling, regulating, or monitoring the other party's movements, communications, daily behavior, finances, economic resources, or access to services.
(4) Compelling the other party by force, threat of force, or intimidation, including threats based on actual or suspected immigration status, to engage in conduct from which the other party has a right to abstain or to abstain from conduct in which the other party has a right to engage.
(d) This section does not limit any remedies available under this act or any other provision of law.” [4] Coercive control is power and control and the very foundation of every abusive relationship, whether physical and sexual abuse is present or not.
(1) Isolating the other party from friends, relatives, or other sources of support.
(2) Depriving the other party of basic necessities.
(3) Controlling, regulating, or monitoring the other party's movements, communications, daily behavior, finances, economic resources, or access to services.
(4) Compelling the other party by force, threat of force, or intimidation, including threats based on actual or suspected immigration status, to engage in conduct from which the other party has a right to abstain or to abstain from conduct in which the other party has a right to engage.
(d) This section does not limit any remedies available under this act or any other provision of law.” [4] Coercive control is power and control and the very foundation of every abusive relationship, whether physical and sexual abuse is present or not.
Learned Helplessness is defined as the conditioning of a victim by their abuser to keep them controlled and imprisoned in the abusive relationship. It starts with the abuser slowly eroding the personhood of the victim through coercive control measures, such as the use of manipulation and brainwashing techniques [like] gaslighting, which is solely intended to evade accountability on part of the batterer and distort the victim’s sense of reality. This conditioning instills in the victim that their abuser is all powerful and any attempts by the victim to reclaim their own power and control over their person are met with further and escalating abuse as punishment. [5]
Gaslighting, also called perception distortion, is defined as the manipulation or distortion of a victim’s perception of reality, causing them to doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and memories as a result the victim becomes increasingly dependent on their abuser and easier to control. Abusers engage in gaslighting to inflict emotional and psychological distress on their victims and avoid accountability and responsibility for their abusive behavior. Gaslighting can result in the victim being unable to accurately assess situations or confidently make their own decisions, trusting their abusers more than themselves.
Financial abuse is defined as the direct or indirect control of money and finances, by an abuser, to maintain power and control in a relationship or exert undue influence, power and control over a situation or circumstances. Financial abuse can include financial irresponsibility and disregard for financial obligations and responsibilities; an abuser spending money that is intended for rent, food, or household utilities, or simply refusing to pay for the financial obligations for the home to create housing and food insecurity for the family is also financial abuse. Financial abuse is not exclusive to intact relationships. Financial abuse is a common, and often favorite, post separation abuse tactic of abusers because of the weight and gravity of the potential damage that can be inflicted to their victim through such means. Because of the potential for significant emotional and financial devastation that can be inflicted on a victim by their abuser through a legally binding order of the court, in making an order for spousal support California Family Code 4320(i)(3) instructs the court to consider “Any history of violence against the supporting party by the supported party,” [6] for the purpose of restricting or eliminating the abuser’s ability and opportunity to further harm their victim financially, up to and including financial ruin, through the institution of the family court.
Trauma Bond is defined as a victim’s physiological addiction to their abuser and the abusive cycle, created as a result of the extreme highs and lows experienced by the victim within the abusive cycle and the series of incredibly powerful chemicals and hormones released within the brain of the victim: oxytocin, dopamine, cortisol, adrenaline, norepinephrine, and serotonin; some trauma bonds last a lifetime and are never broken, though they can be managed with proper education and support; and the longer one is caught in the cycle of violence, and the more extreme the highs and lows, the stronger the trauma bond. A trauma bond causes the victim to exhibit behavior that, to the untrained profession, appears irrational and erratic, giving the appearance of mental and emotional instability.
References
[1] https://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence
[2] Gavin, H. (2024) Criminological and Forensic Psychology
[3] Machado, A, Ph.D., Hines, D. Ph.D., Douglas, E. M., Ph.D. (2020) Male Victims of Female-Perpetrated Partner Violence: A Qualitative Analysis of Men’s Experiences, the Impact of Violence, and Perceptions of Their Worth
[4] https://www.thurmanarnold.com/family-law-blog/2020/october/newly-amended-family-code-6320-coercive-control-/
[5] Lavandero, N (2023) Learned Helplessness https://www.rtp501c3.org/learned-helplessness
[6] https://codes.findlaw.com/ca/family-code/fam-sect-4320/
[2] Gavin, H. (2024) Criminological and Forensic Psychology
[3] Machado, A, Ph.D., Hines, D. Ph.D., Douglas, E. M., Ph.D. (2020) Male Victims of Female-Perpetrated Partner Violence: A Qualitative Analysis of Men’s Experiences, the Impact of Violence, and Perceptions of Their Worth
[4] https://www.thurmanarnold.com/family-law-blog/2020/october/newly-amended-family-code-6320-coercive-control-/
[5] Lavandero, N (2023) Learned Helplessness https://www.rtp501c3.org/learned-helplessness
[6] https://codes.findlaw.com/ca/family-code/fam-sect-4320/